Why was I fat?
I could have called this blog why am I fat however I have chosen the word was for a couple of reasons.
- Positive thinking – I believe that by thinking positively it changes the mind set and helps to move on
- Why live in the past? If you constantly live in the past you won’t be in the present nor experience the future
What got me thinking about this was a recent story about me that a newspaper ran (which I didn’t know about) and a comment that someone left which said “why did he eat all that crap?” Well there are 2 answers to why was I fat? I am going to be honest here and even those close to me don’t know what a lot of this blog will say but I believe it is important to be honest and I hope that by being honest it will help someone know that they are not alone and that there is hope and you can win this fight.
First of all yes, I did eat a lot of wrong food; to often. At university I pretty much lived off takeaways especially in my student house, a lot of the time away from my housemates who all had their boyfriend or girlfriend round so instead of being a gooseberry I retreated. Or when I had finished working on the doors of pubs and clubs at 2.30/3.00 am I would have a curry. Looking back I didn’t see much wrong with what I was doing. However with hindsight I can now see the damage I was doing to my body. Alongside this I would secret eat; so if I nipped to the shop I would have a bag of crisps on the way home and often stash food in my room or if my mum sent me to get tea from the chip shop I would have a potato fritter/scallop on the way home. This is by no means exhaustive but you get the picture hopefully.
The main reason was comfort. I found comfort in food. Food didn’t judge me, food made me feel better, it made me feel happy although with the benefit of hindsight it was short lived, so I was in the cycle of eating more to keep the brief high of happiness but it was also numbed the pain. The pain of not growing up in the perfect family (my mum and dad split up when I was 2 or 3) it numbed the pain of being bullied at school which got so bad alongside all the issues you work through going up and also for many years believing it was my fault my parents had separated I had to see the educational phycologist. That was my escape and something which carried on when my mum’s job moved her down to England and I knew no one and found it difficult to settle in at 6th form, so I ate as comfort and discovered my love for kebabs and curry’s. I had fallen into the trap of believing that I wasn’t good enough, that no one really cared and what did it matter. Sure people said I was killing myself but I honestly didn’t care.
Over the years especially since I began this journey with a determination I have realised that yes food is my friend but the correct food, good old fashioned home cooked food without the rubbish that gets added to it at the fast food places. (Yes I still enjoy the odd take away.) But I also learned how to love myself and once I had done that and truly grasped hold of it my relationship with food changed. So that’s why I was fat, now I am on my journey to a new me, a journey I enjoy and a journey I hope you will share with me. So tonight if you feel food is your escape or that you are not loved and no one likes you, or you are not worth worrying about then remember this- YES YOU ARE I KNOW YOU ARE FANTASTIC AND YOU CAN DO IT.