Why am I doing this?
I haven’t blogged for a while. My weight loss has been erratic losing and gaining the same few pounds each week. If I am being honest (and I always said I would be) I have struggled since getting injured in August. I have struggled to stay motivated. Struggled to stay focused. Found myself wondering why I am doing what I am doing? What is the point of continuing?
I have felt down. I have struggled with the feeling of worthlessness. Feeling that I am not good enough. These are thoughts that I have often struggled worth. I have been afraid that I am not needed, that I am not wanted. A lot of this stems from childhood and every now and then it resurfaces. The last few months have been like that. This combined with some difficulties that adoptive parents often face have come at once and well I had kind of accepted the lies in my head that I wasn’t worth it, that what would it matter if I stayed the same size. Could I do this? People wouldn’t miss me if I didn’t do what I do.
So the last week I have been ill with my asthma and been on steroids. When I weighed myself at home I had put on a few pounds and immediately said well that’s a gain this week. I accepted it. I didn’t fight it. I didn’t really want to fight for the loss. My mind was set to that of accepting it, and subconsciously that I wasn’t worth it.
So along to fat club I went and sure enough I had gained. I had a chat with my leader (it helps that she is a friend) and had a good chat. She pointed out a few things and asked why I hadn’t been blogging and that since I had stopped blogging my weight loss had been static. Grace also picked up on the fact that my mind-set had changed. In group we had a chat about what changes we wanted to make in the lead up to Christmas. I was in a group with Mrs B and as my boy comes along he was there as well. So as we discussed I slowly in my head started repeating some positive phases in my head.
I had to remember why I started the journey. To remember what has kept me motivated. Think of the challenges I have next year (first half marathon is just over 3 months away). I had a quick look at some old pictures, I had a look at the medals from the 4 races I have completed this year. I also choose that this was the time to draw a line under the last couple of months. To start believing in myself again. So why do I do this. Well simply because I am worth it and I want to be the best I can be. So if today you are struggling with your battle/journey whatever that may be then please remember why you started and that you are worth it.